WHAT HAPPENED TO CIVILITY?

There’s been a lot of talk of civility in the past few weeks. Congressman Joe Wilson called President Obama a liar during a joint session of congress. Rapper Kanye West jumped onstage and ripped the microphone from singer Taylor Swift as she was giving an acceptance speech at the MTV awards. And from town hall meetings to ostensibly respectable members of the press, partisan bickering is nastier than ever.

Joe Wilson, the congressman from South Carolina, said that his comment during Mr. Obama’s health-care speech was extemporaneous, and I have no reason to doubt him, but a slip of the tongue stills calls for an apology. The good news is that Mr. Wilson called the president’s office and offered up a mea culpa; the bad news is that he refused to apologize to congress in the hallowed room where his outburst occurred. If the custodians in which we have entrusted these offices don’t respect them, then how are we regular citizens supposed to respect the offices, or the people that represent them?

Kanye West is known for his bad behavior in an industry where bad behavior is often celebrated. When he sullied Ms. Swift’s first win by taking her microphone and announcing, in essence, that Beyonce should have won the award, the reaction was fast and furious—Mr. West was booed off of the stage and continued to be booed the rest of the evening whenever his name was called. Beyonce repudiated Mr. West’s behavior when she won a later award by graciously inviting Ms. Swift back to the stage to finish her acceptance speech. Many artists tweeted or posted notes on their websites condemning Mr. West’s behavior. I found this encouraging given that Ms. Swift is more country than rock n’ roll. The people that responded immediately were not her “people”. If Toby Keith had been in the audience that night Mr. West would have probably suffered more than boos. However, despite the public reaction, Mr. West still had a hard time actually apologizing to Ms. Swift: In an appearance on a late-night talk show the following evening, Mr. West talked about how upset he had been regarding his mother’s recent death. He sounded more interested in excusing his behavior than taking responsibility for it. Like Congressman Wilson, Mr. West had a hard time going more than halfway to correct his bad behavior.

Even the press has jumped on the incivility juggernaut. On a daily basis, certain MSNBC and Fox News personalities exhibit an enmity for each other and their ideological opposites that rivals that of the Israelis’ and the Palestinians’. Even the respectable Charlie Gibson interviewed Sarah Palin with a contemptuous tone and literally, looking down his nose at her. By the time Mr. Gibson interviewed Ms. Palin, many of us were aware of her “lack of knowledge”. We were, however, surprised and disappointed by Mr. Gibson’s lack of professionalism and, civility.

What happened to civility and what can we do to get it back? How do we teach our kids to be civil?

Listening to the news on the car radio a few years ago, a reporter was relaying the story of how the Texas band, Dixie Chicks, playing a concert in London, told their audience that they were embarrassed that George Bush was from Texas and that he was stupid. I turned the radio off and pulled the car over! I told my kids–not that they ever listen to me–that you could disagree with someone without calling them stupid. I told them that the Dixie Chicks could have said that they disagreed with Mr. Bush’s tax policy or with his invasion of Iraq, but to call him stupid made them look stupid.

We have to learn to disagree without calling names, yanking microphones out of hands, or looking down our noses at those we disagree with. Like I told my children that day in the car: You have to articulate your differences without contempt, and you have to be respectful of others opinions. It feels like we are losing the battle against incivility. That day in the car my kids responded to me, “We understand completely mom, can you please just turn the radio back on!”